Writing; authenticity, word count and berating myself for not watching Gilmore Girls
I'm Laura, subscribe if you like content about finding yourself in your 30's, unlearning and unbecoming.
Just now I was listening to Emma Gannon in conversation with Leyla Kazim on her podcast ‘Creative Coffee’. The conversation moved to ‘taking action’ and how it comes to a point where you have to stop talking about something and just start doing it. This really resonated with me because that’s the point I am at right now - I’m trying to be in my action era.
I have been trying to start this newsletter for some time but it’s kind of a struggle. What I’m finding really hard is being authentic, especially when I’m seeing what other amazing writers are doing and wanting to do the same thing but knowing that morally that would be copying. Immorally, I could copy but it’s that age old saying about how you’re only fooling yourself and I begrudgingly have to admit that there is no pleasure in copying someone else. So now I’m here writing about how I’m struggling to write in a last ditch attempt to write.
The first thing I need to do is stop overthinking every sentence I type (I just googled if it’s okay to start a sentence with ‘so’). I don’t know who I am trying to be but I don’t think anyone reading this is expecting me to be the next Joan Didion (or wanting me to be) but it’s almost like I have this urge to be perceived as philosophical or witty or cool or any other thing that I am not. I know that great writers are great writers because they have an authentic voice and I know that I have a voice so why am I over here struggling to find it? I thought that when I got to my 30’s I would be self assured, in many ways I am but I definitely feel the discomfort of being in a space I don’t think I belong because I don’t understand so many things from thought daughters to brat summer to pink pony clubs without the help of google. I mean for crying out loud I haven’t even watched ‘When Harry Met Sally’ or read any of Nora Ephron’s work and don’t get me started on ‘Gilmore Girls’ which I have only seen the first two seasons of and we’re coming up to Autumn and I know everyone will be comparing everything to something Rory or Lorelai said/did and it will be another thing I don’t understand.
Secondly, I need to remember that my writing doesn’t have to be the same as my reading. I love reading the latest cultural hot takes or a post about the ‘top 5 wild swimming spots’ but it doesn’t mean I have to throw my hat voice in the ring. I actually enjoy writing about how I’m relearning to live and, privately, dabbling with writing some weird girl fiction so I know that needs to be my focus.
Thirdly, I don’t know how to get more people to read my work. Although it partly doesn’t matter because it’s more of a personal creative outlet it’s still nice not to be shouting (or in my case typing) into the void. I don’t need 100’s of subscribers but just enough to get a bit of feedback in the comments section would be nice. Is that me needing validation? Probably, but it’s not a crime to seek external validation even if that is something on my unlearning journey I want to tackle.
And finally, another stumbling block for me is the amount I write. Is a few hundred words on a topic even worth posting? Every time I post anything I look at the small writing in the left hand corner that says ‘2 min read’ and berate myself for not having more words. Where are all the words and why do I not have enough of them, is it because I haven’t read Nora Ephron or watched Gilmore Girls?
I would like to say I relate a lot to this! And at least you’re actually doing it, unlike me who feels exactly the same about my writing so haven’t managed to take the leap yet and just start (bar my Instagram which half the time doesn’t feel authentic by the time I’ve edited the shit out of it to fit the word count!). Anyway, I think you’re doing great, and maybe it’s not validation you’re after but connection x